Utkast som aldrig publicerats

Jag har några utkast som jag aldrig publicerade på bloggen men inte heller någonsin tog bort. Ett av dessa utkast innehöll en liten historia som hörde ihop med hur jag kände mig just då (för mer än ett år sedan):

"Det finns en orsak till att jag lägger märke till människor, vissa erkänt mer än andra, och det känns bra att det är min grej. Fast ibland så tröttnar till och med jag på att alltid finnas där på standby /.../ Jag längtar till hösten.Och jag vill bort härifrån. Men samtidigt tror jag att jag är livrädd för att inte vara här om jag behöver stå med någon genom en till storm."                                                                                                                                    (Utdrag ur blogginlägget Som en liten silkeslen sten)

Abandon ship

How can you tell when it's time to abandon ship?

Does it stare you in the face as it wipes the greyest dust all over your sails, pushing bullet holes trough the fabric and burning the ropes:

making the sail resemble a white flag on a battlefield where the soldiers are ready to surrender?

Does it darken your skies when the deck suddenly becomes crowded, 
the loud noise of loneliness making you retract to the shadows bellow deck for comfort, for you to only surface when the skies are soft and the clouds filled with rain?

On one of those days you might find yourself  leaning against the railing with your lungs full of fresh air. You can nothing but smile at the crew member coming up to you. He pushes away the aching echo of a loneliness even the biggest crowd couldn't possibly cure.

You turn around and face the water to ignore the torn sails waiving over your heads. One day you might tell him about them, but for now you let them be. It's only fitting he stands beside you in the drizzle because you were right there with him through his hurricane.

After a moment he gets called under deck. "Go ahead, I'll be right after you", you sigh and he hugs you tightly before leaving. Glancing down at the water below you wonder how nobody else has noticed how dangerously the ship glides over the dark rocks at the bottom.

You lift your eyes again and notice that not far away, on slightly deeper water, there is another ship with a crew that happly waves at you when they see you looking.You figure you could make the leap over the water. But no matter how sunny the days were or how the crowded the deck became,there could come a day when you were needed to stand through another hurricane.

I smile longingly at the other ship.

But there will come a better day to abandon ship and run away